I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
