Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize
