Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
