I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
