we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
