I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
