the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
