I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
