you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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