Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
