sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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