If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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