dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
