Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
