If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
