Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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