I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
