I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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