I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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