At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
