wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I think your dad took our porno
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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