Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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