got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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