my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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