Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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