So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
COCAINE IS GR8
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
