I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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