Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
