just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
