Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
