i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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