Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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