No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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