I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize