I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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