I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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