Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
