I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
