On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
