Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
