Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
