I can tuck mytits in my pants
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
