He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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