You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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