a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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