TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
