Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
