this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize