does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
