you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
