my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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