And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
