you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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