i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
pray to the hookup gods
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
