My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
