i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
