So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
