i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
