I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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